Crafted beauty #11: About time

A lyrical exploration of my relationship with time

“Rich aunt” by Qhamanande Maswana— I love how unbothered she seems to be about the passage of time.

At some points this year, and certainly now, as it draws to an end, I’ve found myself thinking a lot about time. There is the obvious sense in which time is passing, as we teeter on the threshold of a new year. Or there is the pressure I feel to do certain tasks “on time”, such as publishing pieces on here (spoiler alert: I’ve been easier on myself with that one). Also, in my short-lived presence among my family during this break, I am constantly reminded of time — how much time has passed, how much time I have before I leave them again. This is clear in some words I previously shared on this feeling: “… Resigning myself to mere snatches of time, when I can hold them near, when I can live moments alongside them… And even when I’m with them, I’m aware of how finite, how precious it all is...”

However, another way I relate with time stems from my womanhood. There is a constant, sometimes uncomfortable relationship that I, like most women, have with time as a concept. As a woman, I am asked to remain on the right side of time, and the way it governs my desirability, my fertility, my perceived success.

In this period, when we reflect on time and how it is ushering us into a new year, it feels relevant to share a couple of my poems focussed specifically on my relationship with time as a woman.

I.

Olé! Olé! 
I scream into the space, 
And instantly, life comes running,
Something produced from nothing, 
Like a neat magic trick. 

They descend on my accused, 
Searching his pockets, 
Searching my eyes for a clue, 
But this isn’t something they can find, 
Not something they can return.

He stole my time, I explain. 
He held tight to precious moments, 
Clinging to a thing he knew wasn’t his. 
I hear a hiss from the crowd, 
Some already start to leave. 

I speak to those that remain.
He lay there carelessly, 
While the seconds constricted, 
Days folding in on themselves, 
Conspiring with the hours to mock me.

I know what they are saying, 
Time isn’t a tangible thing.
How does one even account for it?
What can be done to claim it back?
The only thing to do is SCREAM. 

II.

I miss the luxury of wasted hours, 
Conversations that didn’t lead anywhere
With people that weren’t meant to stay. 
I miss being able to “see where it goes”,
A lazy response to not knowing,
A clear choice when I didn’t have to decide. 

I miss the easy way I walked through life, 
Before there was a clock on my back. 
The arrogance of “going with the flow”,  
Taking winding paths instead of straight ones, 
Because I knew I could.  

I miss the feeling of being ahead, 
When I was always early and I was bright,
When the use of “for your age” made me smile,
Before it became a weapon, 
Wielded to water down the things I attained,
And to poke at the ones I hadn’t. 

I miss being able to shrug off time, 
When I hardly had to consider it, 
When I knew there was always more. 
That mathematical truth—
That feeling of invincibility, 
That image of countless grains of sand.   

I miss telling people to “just calm down”,
The ones who tried to rush me, 
To let the swiftness in.
Now I think how much I’m like them,
Heart racing, breath short, 
As I consider the “what” and the “by when”.

Now I make plans and set deadlines, 
Negotiating, pleading with time,
Willing it to bend its rules for me,
To stop itself, and to stretch, 
A futile effort, even as it flows,
Always flowing steadily past.  

Now I miss all the days I lived without it. 

As a writer, there is a specific dimension to my relationship with time which I shared in Márọkọ́, and you can read this piece here.

You can also watch my visual story on “Detty December”, which captures some of the ways I am reminded of time when I return home, here.

Finally, here is the piece I wrote at the start of this year, reflecting on my need for a quiet beginning.

In 2025, may time be on our side.

Prompt:

What is your relationship with time? Share it with me (by sending it on instagram, or replying by email if you’re a subscriber) in the next week, and it will go up on the Instagram page.