True talk #10: Running (on empty)

A reflection on constantly chasing… something

A representation of being tired, but at the same time, being ready to get up and go!

“There’s no time
There’s no energy
I’m just running
Running, running.”

When Fireboy DML sang these words on Ladipoe’s hit song, he could have been talking about me. The other day, my father said to me, “you are always running somewhere.” He said this to give context to why I had passed out on my bed with my makeup on, and he is not wrong.

I have always tried to bring purpose to every moment. I am a consummate planner, and there was a time when I made a note called “key things to incorporate daily”. I wanted to optimise my days to include elements of my passions and interests so that I could look back later and see a bigger picture of achievement and purpose. There were many things on this list, but a few of them included journaling; Bible study; working on my creative writing; reading a french poem out loud (to improve my pronunciation); drinking two litres of lemon-infused water (it apparently has different benefits!); listening to an insightful podcast; and reading pages from a novel. All of this was outside of working at my job, of course! There were a handful of days when I was able to live out everything on my list, and on those days, I felt incredibly productive, but also robbed of any breathing space/ time that was unaccounted for. In 2019, I took a career break for six months, and in my usual style, this wasn’t much of a break. In this time, I did French and drawing classes; I attended an ongoing creative writing workshop and worked on my most ambitious writing project; I started driving lessons; and I volunteered in Rwanda. In one summer as a teenager, I remember even planning to watch the 20 top-ranked movies on IMDB at that time and coming back to Lagos with a suitcase filled with movies like “The Godfather”, “Citizen Kane”, and “La Dolce Vita”.

I have always been intentional, but also exacting on myself. I grew up as a perfectionist, and when it came to studying in secondary school, I went harder than even my parents wanted. I would be so stressed before exams, hardly sleeping, reading late into the night, that my parents were the ones who would tell me to “relax and take it easy”.

As I have grown up, I have loosened up a bit, but I still treat my life like an exam— with a sense that there is an impending deadline; that I will be assessed on how I have used my time, and on what I have managed to learn and accomplish. Now, outside of my job, the focus of my life is on making time for my family; for my thriving community of friends and loved ones; for my writing; for art, exploration and learning; for my faith. At this point in my life, I am clear on who I am and all the ways I define myself (I even wrote these down at one point!). My focus now is on keeping those individual balls in the air and being everything to myself, as well as to the people I love.

The issue, of course, is that time is finite, no matter how generously I divide it. At this point in my life, I have more people in my circle than ever before, due to the ways my life has expanded in Paris. This also means that I have more people I am accountable to. At the same time, being everything to myself means that I preserve time for my writing (which I try to treat as a second job); for travel; for going to exhibitions and cultural events. I honour myself by witnessing beauty and experiencing wonder, and this year, I have honoured myself a bit more than even I expected! I travelled to Hungary, Indonesia, Morocco, Spain, Kenya, as well as to Marseille and Strasbourg in France. I have gone back to London and the people who make up my life there a few times. The result of this is that, while I have been creatively nourished, I am tired. I haven’t been able to maintain healthy routines this year. Also, scheduling meet-ups with my friends is a precise undertaking with hardly any margin for error. And when I come to London for a weekend, it feels like I am running around trying to make sure I see as many people as I can. Most recently, I came to see my parents who were visiting, and even though I spent majority of my time with them (enjoying musicals, interesting restaurants, and exhibitions together) I still felt the need to squeeze in time with some friends, because I am hardly around, and because I don’t want to miss the simple moments. At the end of the day, while I have tried to be everything to myself and to everyone, it has left me feeling like I’ve only managed to be something to most people.

In Kenya, a trip that I adored but felt exhausted for, I started thinking of all the ways I need to slow down. It’s a funny paradox— I want to give this short life everything I have (and quickly), but at the same time, I pray I live long enough to have as much time to give of myself. Life is short, but it’s also a marathon, by God’s grace, and I need to pace myself. This means having time that is unaccounted for; weekend days that don’t involve activity; holiday days that may not involve travel. This means having moments where I just exist, reflect…breathe. The other week, I was with my parents in London. I had planned that I would take them to an art exhibition, but with the time we had left that day, it would have meant going to the museum with my suitcase and leaving for Paris right after. I seriously considered it, but my parents told me off, urging me to “relax and take it easy”, like they used to do all those years ago. In the end, I spent the day on the sofa with them in my pyjamas, watching a movie together, enjoying the awareness of their presence with me in that moment, enjoying the slow creep of time, and as unplanned as that day was, it felt like everything.

P.S: I wrote a reflection on my 35th birthday which is about all the things I’m privileged to have experienced (in part from running so quickly)!

Prompt:

What are you running to? Or from? Let me know in the comments! Also, you can send it on instagram, or by email. I would love to discuss it with you! (I would also post it on the Instagram page if you’d like me to.)