True talk #7: Validation and villainy

A personal reflection on perception and boundaries

In my villain era?

I have always been the kind of person who saw myself in the reflection of others; who used their words as easy definitions; who binged and became full on the compliments they offered. I reached for the adjectives they would present and wore them like badges of pride — words like good, kind, nice, amongst others. These three were the most important to me, because they spoke of how I related to other people; how I was seen by them; to what degree I was likeable. And without fully realising it, I worked to nurture this perspective; to continue to do things that made people feel this way about me, even to my own detriment.

By virtue of who I am, the values I hold, and how I was raised, there is certainly a baseline of goodness, kindness, niceness that I will always exhibit. My conscience would intervene if I step below that baseline; would force me to apologise, make amends. But the problem, sometimes, is that there are extra behaviours I feel the need to show — behaviours that are overly self-sacrificial in nature.

The way I tend to sacrifice myself, on reflection, is through money. Money is certainly an important instrument and one that provides me a minimum of flexibility, style and comfort, yet I try to hold it lightly, telling myself that I’m not motivated by it. This is true to some extent, because on the level of my job, I would have opted to work in a profit-driven industry if money was the main consideration. Also, I find talking about money to be awkward and uncomfortable. For these two reasons, I tend to be dismissive and overly generous on money matters, and this has a disproportionate effect on the recipient’s gratitude, which makes me feel good, kind, nice… and ironically, rich! In the past, I’ve edited books for acquaintances without a charge; footed bills for meals that I didn’t need to pay for; gifted people things or amounts that are outside any sensible budget; and gone to unreasonable lengths to support an acquaintance’s business.

I have done these things, and at the time, they felt good and generous. But oftentimes, I have experienced the other side of gratitude, where people have taken advantage of the situation and made me feel silly as a result. What I have learned is that people mimic your treatment of yourself, and tend to value you to the same extent. For me, this is not the case with family and close friends, who have often reminded me of how to hold myself even when I fall in my own regard. Most of my poor experiences tend to relate to acquaintances. They are linked to situations where I have given more to a relationship than it has earned or deserves at that point. And, as they are acquaintances rather than close friends, whose values I have vetted much less closely, it seems to be the perfect recipe for disappointment and taking advantage.

 Finally, I have learned that, as money has inherent value attributed to it, I am actually making a statement of the value I place on my own services (especially as pertains to writing and editing) when I don’t charge for them, and this is in line with my self-esteem. In those situations, I feel grateful to have been asked, to have been recognised for my skill. But I forget that those who benefit are grateful too.

In the last year and a half, since I’ve moved to Paris, I have been confronted by my need for validation, due to the fact that I have met more new people than at any other stage of my life; but also with all the exciting things that have been happening in my writing and travelling, which I share on social media. At the same time, more than at any other period, I have realised my need to have boundaries, as the resources I’ve put into my writing and travel (including my time) have led to a leaner offering of the rest of myself, and a need to negotiate what parts I give out and to whom; and what parts I retain. This, coupled with various sources of stress, have made me more mindful of self-care, self-love, setting boundaries, all of that. As a result, I have started learning to say no. I have been more careful with how much I extend myself and what my limits are.

I read this online: “In my villain era but it’s just me using the word no” and I felt it in my chest! For someone who was always a people pleaser, it has been really hard testing this word, in the different forms it is taking in my life. Sometimes, it’s silence. Like, when I go back to London for a short visit and only tell my closest friends. There have been more than a few times now where I have run into other friends, and felt like I was caught in an affair, stuttering, smiling sheepishly, needing to explain, worried about how they must feel. I never had to deal with this before, because my time was abundant when I lived in London.

Someone recently told me that when we set boundaries, we also need to accept that there would be consequences, or people may not be okay with them. This is the most basic thing, but I found it hard to internalise. I recently had someone hear my no, and go past the boundary anyway, overstepping it to her own advantage, while still villainising me for having that boundary in the first place. I felt worn out as a result. This situation made me even more adamant about enforcing my boundaries, and also made me braver about walking away from people who don’t respect them.

In my dictionary, validation used to be synonymous with confidence. But now I’m realising that getting validation doesn’t mean I’m being authentic in my personhood; and lacking validation doesn’t change the words I use to define myself. And “villain” will never be one of them.  

Prompt:

Are you the hero or villain of your story? Write about it and share it with me (by sending it on instagram, or replying by email if you’re a subscriber) in the next week, and it will go up on the Instagram page.